Comedy Central has boldly done what no television network before it has dared: Telecast a program that claimed to expose the inner workings of the Church of Scientology and challenged its lawyers to take legal action. It all happened on the most recent original episode of the network's animated hit South Park.
Not surprisingly, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the supremely talented creators, producers, writers and vocal talents responsible for this series, weren't content simply to take on Scientology. They also in the episode took great joy in repeatedly riffing on rumors about the sexuality of two of the Church's most prominent members, Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
As the story progressed they also presented an animated version of a story that has come to be known (at least by outsiders) as the base of Scientology. It's likely the first time that the history of this controversial organization has been depicted in cartoon form.
The story began with young Stan -- one of the four boys around whom most South Park stories revolve -- agreeing to take a free personality test administered by Scientologists. After securing $240 from the boy, a helpful woman explained that Scientology was founded by noted science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, who "discovered" that negative emotions are caused by beings known as "body thetans."
"Being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans," the woman chirped before showing Stan an e-meter, the main tool of Scientology that "determines thetan levels." But when Stan was hooked up to the machine he registered level "OT-9," a "thetan level" matched only by Hubbard himself, convincing the directors and membership of the Church that Stan was the reincarnation of their beloved founder.
That's where Tom Cruise came in. As Scientologists and the media surrounded Stan's house, an awestruck Cruise snuck into the boy's bedroom and wanted to know what "L. Ron" thought of his acting. "You're not Gene Hackman or that guy who played Napoleon Dynamite, but you're okay," Stan casually replied.
"I'm a failure in the eyes of the prophet!" a crushed Cruise cried, dashing into Stan's closet and refusing to exit, despite Stan's continued pleas.
When it became clear that Cruise wouldn't budge, Stan yelled to his father, "Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!"
As the episode progressed Parker and Stone really turned up the heat on both subjects. First, the president of the Church of Scientology revealed the "safely guarded Scientology doctrine" to Stan. "It all began 75 million years ago with a galactic federation of planets ruled by the evil Lord Xenu," he started, reciting a story that is posted all over the Web. "Fearing overcrowding, Xenu rounded up countless aliens from all those planets and had those aliens frozen. The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines. They were sent to earth and dumped into the volcanoes of Hawaii. They were no longer frozen. They were dead.
"The souls of the aliens floated toward the sky," the president continued, explaining that Xenu had built giant "soul catchers" to collect them all and unload them into a brainwashing facility he had built on earth. "The souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material that tricked them into believing a false reality," the president revealed. "Xenu then released the alien souls that roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man the aliens found bodies they could grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, confusions and problems."
As the president spoke this story was presented in colorful animated detail -- with the words "This is What Scientologists Actually Believe" superimposed on the screen.
Meanwhile, back in Stan's bedroom, Nicole Kidman was recruited to help in the effort to convince Tom Cruise come out of hiding. "Don't you think this has gone on long enough?" she asked her ex-husband. "It's time for you to come out of the closet."
"I'm not in the closet," Cruise replied.
"Yes you are, Tom," said a patient Kidman. "And you need to just end this and come out. I'm not going to think any differently of you. Katie's not going to think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom. Come out. You're not fooling anyone."
Eventually, fellow Scientologist John Travolta joined Cruise in the closet. He also refused to come out, sparking additional interest from the media. Stan, meantime, was busily writing a new sacred doctrine for the Church. But when he suggested that Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong to the Church, its president had a meltdown.
"What are you, stupid?" he raged. "What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you? Having them pay you for it!" Stan's continued gentle protests further agitated him. "This is a scam on a global scale!" the man cried. "Do you f---ing get me now?"
Stan later addressed a huge crowd of Scientologists in front of his home that had assembled to meet their new profit. But he further defied the head of the Church, telling the masses, "Scientology is just a big fat global scam."
"We're going to sue you!" screamed several outraged Scientologists, including Cruise, who had finally come out of Stan's closet.
"We're going to sue your ass and your balls!" cried one.
"You are so sued, kid," said another.
"Well go on then. Sue me!" Stan shot back. "Do it! I'm not scared of you! Sue me!"
At that, the episode ended, and in a final tweak from Parker and Stone, all of the names in the show's closing credits read John Smith or Jane Smith.
Parker and Stone have on their show never held back from attacking public institutions and famous individuals, often with a sense of humor that can only be described as smartly savage. Clearly they take particular pleasure from tearing into celebrities in ferocious fashion, and they seem to know how to get away with it without suffering any consequences. Last year they ripped into Mel Gibson just a couple weeks after the release of his controversial feature film The Passion of the Christ. This year they tore into Paris Hilton, depicted in the show as the inspiration for a chain of clothing stores catering to little girls with the name Stupid Spoiled Whore.