Our top moments of the week:
14. Mr. Wrong Award: Never go out again with a guy who sleeps with you and then goes MIA for three months. Maura never gets that memo on Rizzoli & Isles, as her on-again beau Dennis (guest star Eddie Cibrian) turns out to be the serial killer that Jane has been tracking. As police burst into his home, interrupting their "date," Dennis takes Maura hostage and explains that she was going to be his next victim. He ultimately lets Maura go and hurls himself down an elevator shaft. We don't think he's gonna rise from the dead this time.
13. Ignorance Is Bliss Award: On Bachelor Pad, Chris pulls the ultimate jerk move when he chooses Sarah for a one-on-one date — and not Blakeley or Jamie, both of whom he had hooked up with the night before. Jamie is cool with it, though, because she thinks that Chris is "protecting" her by not including her. Well, not exactly. Right, Chris? "The best thing I have done is trading in Jamie and Blakeley for Sarah," he tells the cameras. "It's like buying a new car." Poor, naïve Jamie!
12. Worst Blindside: In a season of The Glee Project in which the best contestants were eliminated early (see: Shanna and Nellie), it's really no surprise that Blake, aka Finn 2.0, wins a seven-episode arc on the upcoming fourth season of Glee. But tricky editing —which leads us to believe that Ryan Murphy & Co. are Team Ali —toys with our emotions so much that when Blake is announced as the winner, it's kind of an affront.
11. TMI Award: For every celebrity who doesn't want to talk about their personal life (see No. 3), there's always one who's willing to overshare. Case in point: Leslie Mann, who reveals on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon that her husband Judd Apatow farts holes in his underwear. "And I know it's not, like, a stress tear [because] it's only in the bottom part," she clarifies. To make sure we get the visual, Fallon busts out two photos of Apatow's (exposed but censored) butt cheek. "What happens is my kids see [the hole] and they go and rip it off of him so that he'll stop wearing them because he'll keep wearing them [otherwise]," Mann explains. Someone please find the Apatow's a new hobby!
10. Most Suspicious: Since Longmire's premiere, we — and Walt's daughter Cady — have been under the impression that his wife died from cancer. But on the Season 1 finale, Denver Detective Fales (guest star Charles S. Dutton) reveals that Walt's wife was actually murdered — news that doesn't exactly shock Walt, who has been avoiding Fales' calls. Fales adds that the killer has been found dead. "So I've got to ask you something, Walt," Fales says. "Did you drive down to Denver last year to hunt down and kill the man who stabbed your wife?" Walt denies it, but something tells us that there's more to that story.
9. When Reality TV Is Too Real Award: Chad Johnson was released from the Miami Dolphins Sunday following his domestic violence arrest — and the awkward, tense and raw moment is captured for all to see on Hard Knocks. Contrite and solemn, The Artist Formerly Known as Ochocinco apologizes to head coach Joe Philbin in Philbin's office and all but pleads for his job to no avail. "Where we are as a program, and where you're headed, I just don't see the mesh right now," Philbin tells him. "I wish it was different, and I wish I could tell you something more encouraging, but I think it's best for both of us that we kinda part ways at this point." ("Kinda"? How about "completely"?) "Thank you," Johnson says before shaking hands and leaving. For someone who craves the spotlight, it's almost fitting that Johnson's "death penalty" was executed on camera.
8. Most Unforgettable Goodbye: On True Blood, Hoyt, still distraught over Jessica sleeping with his BFF Jason, decides it's time for a change and leaves Bon Temps for a job in Alaska. But before he bids farewell, he heartbreakingly asks Jessica to glamour him so he can erase any memory of her and Jason. Now that's starting over with a clean slate.
7. Water Under the Bridge Award: Comedy Central's Roast of Roseanne brings out the likes of Jane Lynch, Jeffrey Ross, Wayne Brady and, yes, her ex-husband Tom Arnold. Arnold, who apparently hadn't been in the same room with Roseanne since their 1994 divorce, naturally lands a few digs at his ex ("She actually had 'Property of Tom Arnold' tattooed on her hip, which made me the fourth largest property owner in California"), but the overall sentiment of his roast — if you can even call it that — is classy and sweet. "Roseanne, you were my Johnny Carson," he says, his voice quivering. "Thank you for the thumbs-up and thank you for allowing me to sit on your couch for a little bit."
6. Spiciest Reunion: The closing ceremonies of the London Olympics feature a who's-who (including The Who) of British musicians, but nobody's performance is more eagerly awaited than that of the Spice Girls. Reuniting for the first time in four years, the Fab Five croon "Wannabe" and "Spice Up Your Life" to the utter delight of the crowd and athletes. Not even London Mayor Boris Johnson can resist the "zig-a-zig-ah." The only person not impressed? McKayla, duh.
5. Most Unexpected Hookup: Talk about going out with a bang! Political Animals' penultimate episode incorporates a bombshell of an affair: Douglas and Susan join the mile-high club after getting drunk together on a private plane. Their sex scene is as steamy as it is jaw-dropping, but what will its ripple effects be in Sunday's finale? Will Doug call off his engagement with Anne? Will their tryst affect Susan's coverage of Doug's mother, Secretary of State Elaine Barrish, and her bid for the presidency? And will we ever get to see the video of Doug dancing to the Backstreet Boys at his prom?
4. Best Sendoff: Brenda has spent years on The Closer chasing "the one that got away," serial rapist Phillip Stroh (guest star Billy Burke) — to the point where she loses her job on the series finale after she attacks him in the precinct. But when she finally gets Stroh right where she wants him — wounded by gunshots and ready to confess, in her home, no less — she has a change of heart. "You know what?" she says. "I don't want to hear it." Would it have been nice to see Brenda get one last confession? Sure, but her refusal is a poetic end for the woman whose dedication to her job and ruthless, whatever-it-takes approach to compel confessions have consumed her life. Godspeed, Brenda, and thank you, thank you so much for the past seven years.
3. Most Comforting Interview: Nothing mends a broken heart quite like ice cream. So leave it to Jon Stewart to whip out two pints of (rapidly melting) Ben & Jerry's to console the cuckolded Robert Pattinson on The Daily Show (Cherry Garcia for Stewart, Karamel Sutra for Pattinson, if you're curious.) "We're just a couple of gals talkin'." Stewart says. "Tell me everything." Pattinson does not, which is just fine with Stewart, who gives the Twilight star the, uh, scoop on picking up the pieces. "Listen, the last time I had a bad breakup, Ben and Jerry got me through some of the tougher times," he says in mock confidence. "So I thought you and I could bond over this and talk about, [in a sassy girl's voice] 'Boy, you are better off! Kick her to the curb! Whatevah!'" Just don't eat your feelings, Rob.
2. Oh, No He Didn't! Award: Is Al Roker on Team Curry? During an interview with the U.S. women's Olympic champion rowing team on Today, Matt Lauer brings up the ladies' tradition of tossing one member into the water after winning gold. "The tradition here in New York is you throw her in the Hudson River," Lauer jokes. "Which is different than our tradition," Roker quips. "Which is you throw one of us under the bus, but that's another story." Cue major awkward laughter. If you recall, according to multiple reports, Lauer was behind Ann Curry's dismissal from Today. Even more suspect? The Today show website edited out Roker's burn from the video.
1. Most Shocking Ending: It's the shot heard 'round the desert on Breaking Bad. Seconds after successfully executing a freight train robbery, Mike, Jesse and Walt's collective jubilation turns to horror when the fourth man in their party, Todd (guest star Jesse Plemons), pulls out a gun and shoots a young boy who may or may not have seen the whole thing. It's clear that the repercussions of this murder will define the remainder of the season. Shame on you, Landry!
What were your top moments?
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