Our top moments of the week:
13. Lamest Dirty Talk: It took time, but The Bachelor's Jamie finally decides she's going to kiss Ben. Despite being a self-proclaimed prude, Jamie straddles Ben and tells him exactly how she is going to plant one on him. But she doesn't stop there. She keeps flapping her gums, even while the two are kissing, which just makes Ben laugh. If first kisses say it all, then it seems clear why Jamie didn't get a rose.
12. Best Surrender: Realizing he lacks the duende (read: passion) to get the job done, Mr. Schue steps down as McKinley High's Spanish teacher to give the job to the more energetic David Martinez (guest star Ricky Martin). The move not only opens the door for a possible return visit from Martin — and hopefully slams the door on this ill-advised outfit ever happening — but it also shows that Mr. Schue is a grown-up after all and able to admit when he's wrong. Now if we could just get Holly Holliday to stop by and give Will some pointers on making history fun.
11. Best Opening: Jasmine breaks the news to Crosby that she's moving in with Dr. Joe on Parenthood. But just when it seems that all hope is lost for this charming couple, Crosby unknowingly saves the day when he gives her a custom-made doorknob made from the ends of ballet barres. Jasmine, a dancer, is rendered speechless by the gift and longingly looks at Crosby in a way that says "Don't sign the escrow yet, Dr. Joe!"
10. Best Double-Cross: On Ringer, Siobhan comes clean to Henry about her and Bridget's shady switcheroo. They watch together as Bridget walks into a building, and then Siobhan stuns him when she confesses that Bridget's pretending to be her — and that she, the real Siobhan, is still pregnant with his baby. Now will Henry play along?
9. Worst Way to Prove a Point: When Nick can't get Remy, his shady landlord, to fix anything in their apartment on New Girl, Jess decides to take a shot. He agrees to the repairs, but Nick says it's because Remy wants to sleep with her. To prove him wrong, Jess invites Remy over. It's then that they learn that ol' Remy had a threesome in mind! Jess admits defeat, which is good because we're not sure we could sit through another scene of Jess trying to say "penis."
8. Worst Surrender: Blair wants to be all Runaway Bride and run off to the Dominican Republic to get a quickie divorce without Prince Louis' consent on Gossip Girl. But her plan is foiled when Louis and his mother demand that Blair go on the honeymoon with her husband, lest she have to pay the hefty dowry stipulated in the prenup. Knowing her mother can't afford to pay up, and even though her friends are among the wealthiest denizens of New York City, Blair foolishly decides to give in. Cut to Blair posing somberly for paparazzi pictures with her prince as they jet-set to Bali. Hmm, get divorced from a man you hate so you can be with the man you truly love, or spend a year in a horrible marriage so that you can say you did it on your own? Being an independent woman never sounded so depressing.
7. Most Awkward Flirting: We know who David Letterman thinks is the Sexiest Man Alive. As Denzel Washington discusses his new flick Safe House on The Late Show, Letterman lets the actor know what was going through his mind when he saw a screening of the movie. "I'm a heterosexual and even I was caught up in the conversation about how good-looking you are," Letterman says, while Washington squirms in his chair. The flirting doesn't end there: Minutes later, after the topic of Washington's handsomeness was dropped, Letterman seductively places his hand on top of Washington's. "Dave, you've been working too hard," Washington quips. "You need a vacation!" Yeah, with you, big guy!
6. Most Musical Display of Happiness: It's safe to say that no one enjoys going to the dentist more than Happy Endings' Brad (after all, the dude has earned a "no plaque" plaque.) So when he goes in for his pre-Valentine's Day checkup, his obvious excitement takes the form of a delightful and impeccably choreographed dance number to Dean Martin's peppy "Ain't That a Kick in the Head." Sadly, his perfect-teeth record comes to a screeching halt when he finds out that he has a cavity. Brad's loss is our gain though: A loopy nitrous oxide high results in impressive drool-acting, a hilarious scene involving chocolate fondue and a clever nod to the critics who say the show is too much like Friends.
5. Best Blast from the Past: Guess Christina Aguilera isn't good with names... or faces. After Tony Lucca, her old Mickey Mouse Club co-star, performs on The Voice, Aguilera has nary a clue that the two worked together nearly 20 years ago. But as soon as Lucca leaves the stage — after he chooses Team Adam, natch — Aguilera's jaw drops and she runs after him. "Oh, my God! I didn't even recognize you," she squeals to Lucca backstage. "How are you? And no hard feelings! ... Britney [Spears] had the biggest crush on you. She'd talk about you all the time — and she wouldn't mind me saying that." (Fun fact: Lucca dated fellow Mouseketeer Keri Russell.) Reunion aside, we wonder: Did X-Tina really recognize him or did a little birdie whisper something into her earpiece?
4. Worst RSVP: In a super WASP-y town like Southampton, proper etiquette and Emily (Post, not Thorne) dictates that you should always RSVP to an event. But one returned engagement party invite hits a little too close to home on Revenge when Emily walks into her home and finds her super-secret hatch — aka the spot where she keeps a written copy of her "revengenda" — open. Inside is an RSVP from Emily Thorne saying, "I will attend," in all caps and red ink. The note poses many questions: Is this a message from the real Emily? What else did she take? Will she wreak havoc at the party? At least we can already surmise what color she's wearing to the fire and ice ball for, you know, color coordination purposes.
3. Most Tear-Jerking Reunion: Sure, we love all the It's a Wonderful Life "what if?" moments on NCIS' landmark 200th episode (Tony and Kate have a kid! Abby and McGee are a couple!), but no moment is greater than when Gibbs chats with his mother, who left Gibbs and his father when he was young. In a series of three Kleenex-worthy scenes, Mama Gibbs (a redhead, unsurprisingly) tells her son how proud she is of him and not to put all the blame for her abandonment on his father. Although Gibbs lost his mom at a young age, it's clear she shaped him into the type of man he's become.
2. Best Apology: For House's good doctor, being a brilliant diagnostician means never having to say you're sorry. Unless your outlandish methods end up getting one of your team members stabbed in the heart and at risk of paralysis. Although arbitrator Dr. Cofield (brought to life powerfully by Emmy winner Jeffrey Wright) rules that Chase's unfortunate run-in with a psychotic patient was officially "nobody's fault," House blames himself and even goes as far as to interrupt Chase's physical therapy to apologize. After an episode like this, it makes us sorry to hear that this season will be its last.
1. Most Exploitative Cliff-Hanger: American Idol's first Hollywood Week episode quickly turns sour when 16-year-old contestant Symone Black performs. After singing Otis Redding's "(Sittin' on) The Dock of the Bay," Black collapses and falls off the stage, hitting her head on the ground. How does Idol handle the incident? They exploit it, of course! In a "tune in to see what happens!" fashion, we're left to wonder about the fate of the poor girl, not to mention if Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson will ever run to Black's aide. (She's fine, by the way.) Sure, it's a sleazy move — but would you expect anything less? What were your top moments?
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