Our best moments of the week:
14. Most Disturbing Ball-Busting: When Tessa plays tennis with her new beau Ryan and his overbearing mother Sheila on Suburgatory, she gets a very creepy first-hand look into their — should we say, close? -- mother-son relationship. "Are you ready to watch me give it to my mom?" Ryan asks Tessa in all seriousness before serving a fault. "Focus on delivering your balls right to Mama," Sheila yells in encouragement. Uh, last time we checked it's frowned upon to serve the balls right to your mom in all 50 states.
13. Love Makes Us Do Crazy Things Award: Crazy-eyed Tierra throws another tantrum on The Bachelor. As she cries to the camera, "I don't deserve this!" (um, you signed up for this), she eventually waits for Sean to come out to tell him that she just doesn't know if he's worth going through the daily stress of the show. But instead of saying goodbye to her like everyone had hoped, he does the opposite: Sean grabs the group-date rose and gives it to her to show his faith in what they have. You're gonna regret this, dude.
12. Craziest Engagement: Penny finally gets her happy ending on Happy Endings. After a series of pranks and misunderstandings that involve her getting slimed, Pete being glued to the toilet and Max's limo exploding, Pete pops the question in the middle of the limo carnage. "I know it's quick, but once you know, you know," he says. "Penny Hartz, will you marry me?" She accepts — just as the popcorn kernels in the limo start popping. 2013: The Year of Penny!
11. Scariest (Non)-Accident: When Neal gets Peter to help him look into a powerful senator with ties to the Flynn crime family on White Collar, Peter's wife Elizabeth warns her husband to watch his back. Unfortunately, what Peter should have been watching were his brake cables, which have somehow been cut in his FBI car. Peter realizes it just as he's driving through a busy New York intersection. Before he can get too far, he accidently collides with a police car and winds up in the hospital with serious injuries. Neal, you owe this guy a lot of Jell-O.
10. Best Redemption: After blowing off her latest crush, Latin professor Jamie (B.J. Novak), Mindy realizes that she messed up and decides to go all out to win him back on The Mindy Project. Calling back to an earlier reference Mindy made about Indiana Jones being great for the dying Latin language, she comes to his college classroom with an Indy hat and a whip, which she uses to awkwardly lasso him as his students look on. He accepts her apology, but begs her to stop the display just as Morgan, dressed as a Nazi bad guy circa Raiders of the Lost Ark, walks in and is stopped by Mindy. But who was supposed to play the giant cannonball?
9. Most Disturbing Foreplay: Before Marnie and Booth get it on (finally!) on Girls, the artist displays some seduction techniques that were... bizarre, to say the least. Without warning, Booth locks Marnie in a cramped Videodrome-esque TV chamber, in which disturbing footage is broadcast at her from all sides. Oh, and did we mention Duncan Sheik's "Barely Breathing" is playing the entire time? Sexy!
8. Weirdest Protest: When The New Normal's Bryan learns that one of his female friends has been discouraged from breastfeeding at one of their favorite restaurants, he does what any good friend would do: He organizes a flash mob! One day, Bryan goes to the restaurant to enjoy lunch by himself, but as soon as his friend is reprimanded for trying to feed her baby, he presses play on Kelis' "Milkshake" as dozens of pregnant and new mothers dance around the restaurant holding their hungry babies high in the air. As if the dance isn't weird enough, Bryan then tries to join in by revealing his own male lactation top (aka fake breasts) to the dismay of both the patrons, and the other flash-mob moms. Safe to say, his milkshake will be driving people out of the yard.
7. Sexiest Economics Lesson: Brian Williams returns to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to slow-jam the news, this time to make the fiscal cliff super-sexy. "Take it from my man, Brilly Willy: Ain't nothing worse than a soft Boehner," Fallon says, while Williams manages to keep a straight face. The best part though? "Honey Bri Bri" belts out a little Salt-N-Pepa! Oh, yeah.
6. Best New Job: She may never be able to compete with her boy-crazy, hair-cutting role as Felicity Porter, but you can't say Keri Russell doesn't give it a great try in her new series The Americans. The show opens with Russell's character, Russian spy Elizabeth Jennings, donning a blonde wig and giving a guy a b--- j-- as part of a scheme to kidnap a defected KGB agent. What would Sally say?!
5. Best Fall From Grace: After being heavily coached by Eli to tell voters that she could, or does, believe in God, it only takes a few glasses of white wine and a very large chip on her shoulder for St. Alicia to throw it all away on The Good Wife. After a long day at work, Alicia attends a campaign event where she and Peter are asked about their faith after Peter's opponent publicly acknowledges that she is an atheist. Peter says he believes in God and after a slight pause, Alicia raises her glass, tells the reporter she is an atheist and winks at a horrified Eli. Looks like someone could use a few prayers right now.
4. Most Touching Message: On Bones, Brennan and Booth discuss their wills and plans for their daughter, Christine, after their deaths. Unsurprisingly, Brennan has drafted a 312-page last will and testament, while Booth's is on a Post-It. When Booth fails to put all his hopes and wishes into writing, he tapes an emotional video message for his baby girl, with Brennan looking on. "I'm the luckiest man in the world because I got to spend time with your mother," he says. "I love you and I want you to love life."
3. Saddest Death: Downton Abbey has always been a bit of a fairy tale. The spell is broken when we have to bid farewell to Lady Sybil in the show's most heart-wrenching moment to date. When the family doctor, the infamously misinformed Clarkson, suggests a Caesarean section after suspecting Sybil has a life-threatening disease, an outside obstetrician objects. Before the family can decide what to do, Sybil goes into labor. In the middle of the night, Sybil begins convulsing while the family looks on helpless. We cried, we cursed, we shook our fists at Julian Fellowes, but sadly, nothing will bring Sybil back. RIP!
2. Best Flash-Forward: 30 Rock wraps up its seven-year run with a look into the future. A shot of 30 Rockefeller Center pans out to reveal a snow globe! Don't worry — the show didn't take place in anyone's mind. The globe is held by Kenneth, who's hearing a TV show pitch. "So the whole show just takes place here at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. Is that right, Ms. Lemon?" he asks. "Yes, sir," she says. "It's based on stories my great-grandmother told me." The camera pulls back to reveal a young biracial girl, who is presumably Liz's great-granddaughter, as hovercraft fly by the office window. "I know," the Immortal One grins. "And I love it." Farewell, 30 Rock! We're so happy we went to there!
1. Best Kiss: When the New Girl guys bring home two ladies from the bar, their strip version of their signature — and confusing — drinking game True American gets risqué fast. During one part of the game, Nick and Jess are locked in a room together until they kiss. Nick refuses to kiss Jess, saying it shouldn't be "like this" and climbs out the window to avoid the moment. But later, he crosses her in the hall and suddenly grabs her arm, pulling her in for a very long and very passionate kiss. "I meant something like that," he says, before walking away from a shell-shocked Jess. Thank goodness things aren't going to be awkward around the loft at all.
What were your best TV moments?
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