Our top moments of the week:
14. Most Shocking Reveal, Runner-Up: As if it wasn't gross enough that Jess came thisclose to using her super-sized box of condoms to have a one-night stand with Schmidt on New Girl, the camera cuts to the other side of Schmidt's door to show that he's already getting busy... with Cece! The next morning, an embarrassed Jess calls Cece to confess her close call with Schmidt, just as Schmidt rolls over and snuggles Cece's neck. Please, ladies, no catfights. It will just make it all that much more pathetic.
13. Most Clichéd: Ivy gets a callback for the role of Marilyn Monroe on Smash and does her best to wow the producers, writers, director and casting agent. It seems that all her years of hard work have paid off when she lands the part! But oh, what's this? She's also sleeping with the director? Complicated! Don't worry, Team Karen. If you're upset that the small-town girl lost out on the part of a lifetime because of her sound Midwestern morals, fear not! We have it on good authority that the competition to play Norma Jean is far from over.
12. Worst Room Service: Amber, 19, and her 28-year-old boss, Bob, take a business trip together on Parenthood, but after their steamy kiss last week, things don't stay professional for long. As the couple is making out on his bed, Amber's aunt Kristina barges in and demands that Bob -- who is also Kristina's boss -- leave the room while she packs up Amber's stuff and drags her home. Lesson learned: Never pack a suitcase full of high-heels and lingerie in front of your nosy cousin -- especially when you're a Braverman!
11. Best First Kiss: It's been two years since Hotch's ex-wife Haley was murdered, so it's time for Criminal Minds boss Hotch to get back into the dating pool. After weeks of flirting, err, training with Beth for his triathlon, Hotch nervously and clumsily (hey, it's been a while!) asks her out. He shows far more conviction later, when he surprises her with an impromptu date on Valentine's Day. But Hotch isn't the only one with a spontaneous trick up his sleeve: Beth stuns him with a kiss before they even leave her doorstep. "Thought we had to get that out of the way," she says. "Spare us any awkwardness." Now that's another way to get your heart racing!
10. Best Return: Bree's recent turn for the slutty on Desperate Housewives nets her a very persistent admirer, who hits on her at Ye Olde Tavern for Wanton Housewives and then follows her outside when she rebuffs his advances. He takes her keys and forces himself on her in the parking lot -- that is, until a good Samaritan rolls (yes, rolls) out of nowhere and tasers the perp before threatening him with pepper spray. It's Orson! Who says a knight and shining armor needs a white horse? Orson's wheels work just fine!
9. Keep Your Eyes on the Road Award: Fearing that Rick may have fallen prey to the walkers while going to town to get Hershel on The Walking Dead, Lori decides to get in a car and go after him -- without telling anyone. Of course, the second she takes her eyes off the road to consult a map (she has no idea where she's going, of course), she hits a walker, which mysteriously causes her entire car to roll over. Oh, and she's pregnant!
8. In Too Deep Award: On Castle, the mystery writer and Beckett question Dr. Nelson Blakely, a professor who pioneered the linchpin theory -- a small event triggers a larger one, like, say, the end of the world -- behind the CIA's back. Complying with Blakely's wishes, they drive him to a pier, where the professor nearly comes clean about everything, including what the linchpin is, But at the sight of a flock of pigeons (seriously), he dashes from the car and is shot. The hitman's next target? Castle and Beckett, duh. A car rams into theirs from behind, pushing them off the pier and into the water. Will they die? Spoiler alert: Of course not! But how many more life-threatening situations can they find themselves in before they finally confess their feelings for each other?
7. Best Bullseye: Justified's Raylan Givens has been pretty much keeping his gun holstered this season, in part because his aim has been off since being shot. But when faced with death at the hands of a group of organ smugglers, Raylan's aim is once again true. Lying in a bath tub groggy from a sedative, Raylan is still able to shoot through one of the kidney-hungry thugs and kill the cute-as-a-button ringleader (Psych's Maggie Lawson). It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "body shot."
6. Seven-Year Itch Award: Lonely, depressed Ted finds a kindred spirit in Robin on their apartment rooftop on How I Met Your Mother. It seem s that after Robin accepted Kevin's proposal earlier in the episode, he broke it off when he learned that she never wants to have kids. "He couldn't look past this," she says. "I mean, who could?" "I could," Ted replies. "I love you, Robin." So are we back to square one? For the love of Barney, who the heck is the mother?!
5. Worst Matchmaker: Since her own love life --or lack thereof -- is such a disaster, Gossip Girl's Blair focuses her energy on playing Cupid for others by reuniting exes Serena and Dan on Valentine's Day. It's a fine plan, until Dan instead kisses Blair at Nate's V-Day party, and to her own shock, she kisses him back! Chuck and Serena catch them canoodling, of course. Don't worry, Patti Stanger; your job is safe.
4. Most Romantic Way to Prove a Point: It perhaps makes sense that Jules, Cougar Town's most predictable woman in Florida, craves more spontaneity in her life. Well, boy does Grayson deliver, with an elaborate marriage-proposal plan. He tricks Jules into thinking she's TP'ing a house belonging to neighborhood hoodlums. In fact, the house is her own listing (oops). Grayson shows up, dressed as a cop, to scare her, but then gets on one knee under a surprisingly romantic canopy (made of toilet tissue) and pops the question, with the rest of the Cul de Sac Crew as witnesses. Somebody pass the Charmin -- our eyes are getting misty!
3. Best (Unplanned) Tribute: In a case of really eerie timing, Mercedes performs "I Will Always Love You" on Glee just three days after the death of the woman who made it famous, Whitney Houston. The song fits perfectly with the story line -- she loves Sam, but can't be with him because she's unsure of herself after cheating on Shane -- but Amber Riley's powerful rendition makes the song more than a plot point and a goodbye to Sam, but rather a moving tribute to one of the world's foremost vocalists.
2. Most Shocking Reveal: Revenge finally answers the season's burning question during the final moments of the long awaited Fire & Ice Ball. After Charlotte screams bloody murder -- literally -- from the beach, Victoria & Co. run to the sand, and she kneels over a lifeless body, begging her son to wake up. She turns over the body to reveal that it is actually Tyler. Daniel, with blood on his shirt, slowly walks toward her. "Don't say a word," Victoria orders her son before embracing him. Are we glad they didn't kill the hot guy? Sure, but did they really have to sacrifice one of this TV season's best villains to save him? RIP Tyler! Oh yeah, who shot him? Daniel? Amanda? Takeda?
1. Best Dirty Talk: The last time Ricky Gervais dropped by The Daily Show, he and Jon Stewart floated the idea of a Stephen Hawking talk show. This time? They talk about panda sex! It all starts when Gervais laments that pandas aren't doing all they can to prevent their own extinction. "We're all rushing around going, 'Let's save the panda' ... but they're not meeting us halfway. They're not having sex," he says, noting that the Chinese are now giving Viagra to pandas. It gets a little racier from there, but trust us when we tell you that you must watch their genius improvisational interplay. Can Gervais come back every day, please?
What were your top moments?
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