Our top moments of the week:
12. Most Self-Serving Injury: After getting hospitalized for heat stroke and leaving her teammates Ty and Ed in a lurch, Top Chef's Sarah conveniently returns just in time to serve the judges. As soon as Padma & Co. walk away with their plates, Sarah is overcome with dizziness and bails on her team again, setting off red flags for Ed. "I have no guilty feelings," she says of her every-man-for-himself quickie appearance. Well, of course not. After all, you were the one who had no problem throwing Keith under the bus in the first challenge.
11. Best Homage: Disgusted with MacLaren's New Year's Eve cover charge on How I Met Your Mother, Ted and Barney finally decide to execute their two-year-old plan to open their own bar called Puzzles. ("Why is it called Puzzles? That's the puzzle.") Located in Ted's apartment, Puzzles comes with a theme song that sounds eerily similar to that of that other famous bar. Except Puzzles is where everyone "feels at home... and we bang chicks in Ted's room."
10. Best Split Decision: When The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills vacation in Hawaii, Taylor is MIA in the wake of her husband Russell's email threat to sue Camille. The email, combined with months of verbal arguments and hints of physical abuse, pushes Taylor to make the ultimate decision. She calls Kyle and Lisa on their trip to tell them the big news: Her marriage is over. It's a plot point we all knew was coming, but it doesn't make the announcement any less meaningful.
9. Steamiest Argument: George finds out that Noah won't sponsor him for the Chatswin Country Club on Suburgatory and angrily confronts him about it... in the steam room, natch. When Noah tells George to take his car out of self-parking and leave (yuppie burn!), the pair get into a semi-naked brawl — until, that is, 80-something Morty disrobes and snaps his towel on George's butt to end the fight. Come on, guys, it's only a fair fight when both opponents are naked. (Hint-hint, Jeremy Sisto.)
8. Most Shocking Bitchslap: Max has always spoken his mind on Parenthood, but he takes that "special skill" to a whole other level when he calls his mom Kristina a bitch (twice!) after she unplugs his video game in the middle of a winning streak. Imagine if she had done something that actually, you know, mattered!
7. Best Bet: When Happy Endings' Max and Jane can't decide who a sweater belongs to, they opt to settle it by forcing each other to wear the most hideous outfits possible; whoever wears their eyesore ensemble the longest wins. Enter Max in a Jamiroquai-inspired all-white ensemble — complete with a fuzzy fedora, sparkly belt, suspenders and a Princess Di T-shirt — and Jane in a groovy '70s get-up ("You look like Mrs. Brady right before she was arrested for molesting Bobby," Max tells her.) Alas, neither ends up winning as they both strip down to their skivvies for the firemen who respond to Jane's fake 911 call. Hey, the fire was in their pants.
6. Worst Timing: After Tony's former flame EJ departs yet again on NCIS, he and Ziva have a heart to heart about their respective love lives. "I am grateful to have someone in my life who is just as romantically dysfunctional as I am," she tells him. "Agent David, do you consider me in your life?" he replies. But their slow-burn moment is interrupted when Ray, Ziva's long-distance CIA beau, calls. So close, yet still so far for Tiva fans.
5. Best Situation-on-a-Budget: On Jersey Shore, the guidos return to their natural habitat in New Jersey and get a surprise homecoming bash. All is fine and dandy until... The Unit arrives. He's The Situation's partner-in-crimes-of-instigation — only worse. With his fake-n-bake tan, juicehead abs and pathetic nickname, it's a shock that the other roommates don't hop on the first plane back to Italy.
4. Most Awesome Late-Night Call: The true winners of the Iowa caucus? Edith and Carolyn. With results mysteriously missing from one county as the number-crunching spilled into the wee hours, CNN After Dark (check out that sleazy neon logo) called two Clinton County GOP officials, Edith Pfeffer and Carolyn Tallett, to shed light on the matter. According to a sleepy and oblivious Edith, who was woken up by Carolyn, she reported the county's votes hours ago — which were not reflected in the state's count. "What do you mean the numbers don't match?!" she incredulously asked, while the CNN crew erupted in laughter. It turns out those were the missing votes! And there was no better way to celebrate than by CNN calling back the ladies, who promptly continued delighting the gang with their folksy charm. "Congratulations on a magnificent performance this evening. I was wondering, do either of you have an agent?" Piers Morgan joked. "I'd like to apply for the job." Edith and Carolyn 2012! Or at least for CNN After Dark co-hosts.
3. Craziest Comeback: What's a Bachelor premiere without some weird, uncomfortable drama? Jenna, who's done more than her share of imbibing, is convinced that Monica is making fun of her, when Monica could probably care less about her since she's preoccupied with someone else (someone who isn't Ben, by the way). As Monica tries to get out of their nonsensical conversation, Jenna offers her version of an olive branch: "Maybe we could share a tampon sometime." Um, gross. Run, Ben, run!
2. Hottest Kiss: Elena and Damon's little peck during the Season 2 finale of The Vampire Diaries was, like, such a tease. But good things come to those who wait six long months. After Stefan saves his life, Damon tells Elena that he once again feels guilty for wanting her and walks away. But he abruptly turns around. "If I'm going to feel guilty about something, I'm going to feel guilty about this," he says before passionately kissing her. It's about time, right?!
1. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner Award: Tyler's creepy streak (see: smashing his own head into a column to fake a punch, roofie-ing his best friend so they can sleep in the same bed) comes to a dramatic climax on Revenge when Emily steals his medication and recovers Nolan's secret camera. Tyler finds out and — obviously off his meds (and his rocker) — puts a gun to Emily's head as she brings out Daniel's birthday cake. Just when it looks like Tyler is going to pull the trigger, his brother appears and distracts him long enough for Jack and Daniel to tackle Tyler. Might we suggest "no more psychotic blackmailers trying to kill my girlfriend" for Daniel's big birthday wish?
What are your top moments?
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