"The Bachelor": British Banker Rejects a First-Round Love Thong

 

Every season I make this vow: I will not watch ABC’s The Bachelor. And then Dancing with the Stars signs off on Monday night and The Bachelor comes on and shazam! I’m sucked down the drain and into another heinous hour of mean girls, dangly earrings and rose ceremonies.

 

The latest incarnation of the man vs. harem reality show is subtitled LondonCalling. This year’s single man is Matt Grant, a 6’5” banker on loan from across the pond. He’s handsome and several degrees more elegant than most of the show’s bachelors, particularly that monosyllabic bar owner from Austin who ended last season by rejecting ALL the women and taking that long trek back down Lonely Street that leads away from People magazine covers and prime time wedding specials.

 

This week’s opener introduced Matt to 25 single American women, all of whom sound like they grew up next door to Lauren Conrad  in Orange County. Out they oozed, one after another after another, from the black limousine, like sparkly clowns in a circus act. Matt air-kissed their over-rouged cheeks and made small talk as they tried desperately to create a strong first impression and thus not be booted back to oblivion at evening’s end.

 

“Do you like bush?” he said to dark-haired Denise by way of opening gambit.

 

That got my attention.

 

But he meant George W. Bush. Denise is a former aide to Karl Rove. “He’s Bush’s brain,” Denise chirpily explained to Matt.

 

Among the many lookalike Amandas, Erins and Michelles in the mix were a girl who told Matt her “special talent” is arm-wrestling and another who played a tootle-y tune on a clarinet. Low-cut evening gowns revealed evidence of boobular implants and there were plenty of visible dorsal tramp stamp tattoos.

 

Would a British banker ever propose to an American chick with a swirly design permanently inked above her bum?

 

He seemed to take quite a shine to Shayna Lamas, daughter of oily actor Lorenzo, granddaughter of better actor Fernando. She seems unnecessarily angry about coming from a Hollywood family. Maybe it’s leftover embarrassment from watching her dad humiliate women on Are You Hot?

 

The "first impression rose," however, went to one of the Amandas, a 27-year-old account exec from, get this, Niceville, Florida. She "shone the brightest," said Matt. Her memorable trait: chronic hiccups. Cute.

 

But the real ho with the mo’ in this week’s installment was Stacey, a pushy blonde in a blue sequined number. She barged in on another girl’s conversation with Matt and stuffed white lace thong underwear in his pocket (No. 31 in the whore manual of updated takes on ye olde drop-the-hanky).

 

“I’m so sorry, but that is not cool, I don’t give a shit what country you are from,” said Matt. (ABC bleeped the expletive but I read his lips. I also read his mind. He was telepathically crying for help, if possible from MI5.)

 

Shortly after that spectacle, the camera found Stacey passed out face down and snoring on a bare mattress in some back bedroom of the candle-filled rent-a-mansion. Class-say.

 

She was, no surprise, among the 10 rejects that Matt sent packing this week. “I am the whole package,” she snarled on the way out the door.

 

One you only safely handle with latex gloves.