The Bachelor: Only Thorns

 

The big moment arrived last night on ABC’s The Bachelor and to whom did bar-owner Brad Womack hand the final rose?

 

Nobody!

 

After winnowing his harem from 25 giggly, lash-fluttering idiots to the final two, Womack suddenly appeared to have a moment of clarity and realize that this is no way to find a wife. He’s either the smartest man ever to play pick-a-spouse on this worn-out ABC franchise, or he’s the dumbest.

 

After weeks of hot tub dates, a boozy trip to Cabo (where it appeared that he possibly hit the sheets with three of the women) and meetings with the finalists’ families—loooovedthe brainy East Coast parents who treated Brad as if he had just been paroled for mass murder—our hunk turned out to have feet of ice.

 

In the episode viewable in full online, both of the last two girls expressed their undying devotion for this lunkhead. Preparing for the final “Rose Ceremony,” Jenni and DeAnna, lookalike brunets, worked themselves into wild-eyed frenzies at the prospect of being Mrs. Womack. Both said “He’s perfect for me” and there was talk of children and futures.

 

Brad, meanwhile, was shown shopping at Chopard for an engagement ring and he went on and on about how he’d come on the show looking for a wife and how he seemed to have found just the right one. “Both of these girls are almost perfect for me,” he said, perhaps tipping off the anticlimax to come.

 

This show loves to tease. “Who will go home in tears and who will become Brad’s wife?” said host Chris Harrison.

 

It did seem that the odds favored DeAnna. Brad’s mom took to her immediately—“I’m going to call you DeeDee,” mom chirped—and DeAnna’s eight years as a bartender could have made her a good match for a guy who owns a bunch of Austin watering holes.

Brad cracked to his twin brother something like “You don’t only gain a sister-in-law, we gain an employee.” Nice.

 

So what happened between ring-shopping and the rose ceremony? As he stood in the garden in the final moments of the episode, Brad said he was “scared and excited.” Everything pointed to his proposing to somebody. Then he said buh-bye to Jenni and he had a mini-freakout in his final face-to-face with DeAnna. “I can’t look you in the eye and tell you that I love you,” he said, sweat beads forming on his forehead. “I refuse to give you any kind of false promise.”

 

“That just doesn’t sound right,” said DeAnna.

 

So why’d he back out? Perhaps Brad will tell all in an “After the Rose” episode airing Wednesday night (Nov. 21), when he’s due to face the jilted Jenni and dumped DeAnna.

 

One thing’s for sure: Bettina, who came in third, feels a lot better now.

 

This was the eleventh go-round for The Bachelor, which to date has produced not a single marriage. (Trisha and Ryan Sutter met when she picked him on The Bachelorette.)

 

Perhaps they should change the title to The Confirmed Bachelor. These guys seem to dig getting to pick among the lovelies who allow themselves to be pimped by producer Mike Fleiss. They get a splashy vacation, all the booze and sex they want and they end up elevated to that low but somehow lucrative level of fame enjoyed by other contestants on reality shows.

 

Brad Womack was a good-looking guy but was he really such a prize? He talked like a Southern-fried Lurch, had no sense of humor and froze like a buck in the headlights when that one girl’s professorial parents grilled him on his limited educational background and career prospects.

 

Even ditzes like Jenni and DeAnna deserve better. So do the viewers.

 

So does ABC.