Our top moments of the week:
13. The Worst Ex Factor: If you have to ask, "You sure this isn't racist?" three times, chances are, it probably is. On MTV's The Challenge: Battle of the Exes, Emily decides to play a "prank" on her African-American partner and ex-boyfriend, Ty, by smearing chocolate all over her face to do a blackface impersonation of him with Camila, who does her best impression of Ty's hookup buddy, Paula. The two parade around the house, clearly oblivious to the fact that Ty is offended — at least until he comes to Emily's room after her stunt and tells her he's quitting the show. Emily apologizes and says she didn't know it would be hurtful. So, The Challenge is educational? Isn't that an oxymoron?
12. Sweetest Revenge: On Raising Hope, Sabrina's night in the slammer gets even worse when she learns that her prison guard Rikki (a barely recognizable Katy Perry) is an old friend from sixth grade whom Sabrina forgot about once she became popular. To get her payback, Rikki makes Sabrina wear her old Beaver outfit (think Girl Scouts, but with Beavers) and sell cookies to the older, creepy male inmates to get her small business Beaver badge. "These guys haven't seen cookies, or the little Beavers, in a looong time," Rikki tells Sabrina. Shouldn't Rikki be more concerned with how she's ever going to earn her frizz control Beaver badge? Yikes.
11. Best Twists: The first season of The Lying Game wraps up with Ethan finding evidence that proves Alec killed Derek just minutes after he wed Rebecca. While Emma, Thayer and Ethan watch Alec being taken into custody, Sutton, Emma's twin, walks up to Rebecca and calls her "mom," confirming that she is, in fact , the girls' mother. But that's not the biggest bombshell. Rebecca replies: "Everything is going according to plan." Huh, they've been working together this whole time. Guess we know where the show got its name.
10. Best Friends in High Places: On Parks and Recreation, Leslie lands a sit-down with well-known Indiana talk show host Buddy Wood (guest star Sean Hayes). Too bad she shows up to the interview drunk, slurring her words and ultimately storming out after Buddy hits her with question after question about her unethical affair with her ex-boss Ben. When Leslie sobers up, she tries to convince Buddy not to air the interview, but there's no need to worry. Leslie's got the full support of the Pawnee Airport employees, who purposefully lose Buddy's luggage and the interview tape. Who wants to do shots to celebrate?
9. Found and Lost Award: What happened to Dr. Emmet Cole on The River? His newly discovered camera footage — seemingly his final hours — reveals some details to the rescue crew: Cole was terrorized by the jungle demon Il Tunchi (which killed Manny and caused Rabbit to run away) and had spiraled so out of control that he almost feasted on his dog, Sasha, before resigning himself to death. But instead, a group of natives whistled off Il Tunchi and took Cole back to their village, where they set him by an outpost. The team runs to the base — but it's completely barren, save for Sasha (how Lost-like, right?). So Cole's alive, but what has happened to him now?
8. Funniest Self-Parody: We've made no secret of our disappointment in Top Chef's lackluster ninth season, but little did we know that they would be so self-aware. During the reunion special, we are treated to a pseudo promo for Ed's new show, Mediocre Chef. On this fairly easy spin-off, it's about "riding that line in the middle," the prizes include a feature in their local paper and a $125 gift card, and you can totally win with a chicken salad sandwich. (Let's hope with a meatball as well!) Now that we've gotten the laughs out of the way, let's focus on improving for Season 10, OK?
7. Best Fight for Freedom: On Cougar Town, Andy leads the battle against the cul-de-sac crew's latest enemy — the annoying bicycle boys — by going all Braveheart. He dons red face paint (read: Jules' lipstick) and some plaid as he feigns riding a horse as he utters the movie's most famous line ("They can never take our freedom!) in pretty much the worst Scottish accent ever. In the end, it's the hidden sand trap that derails the bicycle boys, but we'll take the William Wallace impression any day. Next time, don't forget the kilt, Andy.
6. The Claws Come Out Award: Anyone who's seen Big Brother knows that Rachel is the queen of drama, but on The Amazing Race, she's surprisingly not the instigator. Perhaps knowing exactly which buttons to push, Vanessa repeatedly taunts Rachel at the watermelon-stacking Detour, mentioning no fewer than three times that she can see Rachel's crotch when she bends over. But Rachel and Brendon get the last laugh for now: They end up doing the other Detour and finish in second place, while Vanessa and Ralph barely escape elimination. And of course, there's this gem from Rachel: "Vanessa's such a beeyotch. Her disgusting smile is painted on just like her overdone makeup." We can't wait until she calls her a floater!
5. Worst Forbidden Kiss: After hosting a very drunk Michael for dinner on Smash, Julia calls a car for her ex-lover and waits with him outside. But Michael doesn't want to go home to his family. "I want to be with you," he tells Julia, before serenading her with "A Song for You." "Go home," Julia says. He almost does, but then abruptly turns around and kisses her. And she kisses back! And her son, Leo, sees all of this from the window! Hmm, maybe he wouldn't have if you didn't sing so loudly in the middle of the street, Michael.
4. Worst Display of Affection: Bree and Orson are thisclose to running away to Maine on Desperate Housewives, when she finds a picture in his trash of herself, the other ladies and Carlos moving Alejandro's dead body. Bree suddenly pieces together that it was Orson who sent her the horrible letters and killed Chuck. Orson explains that he only sent the notes, which made Bree suicidal, because he loves her so much and wanted to alienate her from her friends and have her all to himself. "You're everything to me," he says, to which Bree replies, "Well, you're nothing to me." Hey Orson, maybe next time just send her an e-mail.
3. Worst Time to Follow the Leader: After Bill and Colton get into a heated argument on Survivor: One World, Colton is determined to vote his sparring partner out. So he somehow convinces the rest of his tribe members, who have already won the immunity challenge, to go to Tribal Council and eliminate their teammate. Come on guys, if Colton told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? On second thought, don't answer that. (Thank goodness there are no bridges on Samoa.)
2. Most Shocking Death: Not content to save all the fireworks for the Season 2 finale, The Walking Dead kills off a major character — but not the one we thought! After Dale tries unsuccessfully to convince his fellow survivors not to kill Randall, he storms off into the night, where he is attacked by a walker. The hungry zombie tears open Dale's abdomen, injuring him so badly that Daryl has no choice to but to put him out of his misery with a bullet to the head. We've always known the world of the show was dangerous, but with two weeks left in the season — and with that other possible death still looming — we have to say it was a pretty gutsy move.
1. Most Questionable Apology: In a first for The Bachelor: Women Tell All, the women finally get to confront Courtney after watching — and enduring — her vile and manipulative behavior all season. The ladies take Courtney to task for everything from her name-calling and backstabbing to skinny-dipping with Ben and her lack of desire to make friends. Instead of fighting back, Courtney breaks down into (crocodile?) tears and issues a serious mea culpa, which very few of the gals find genuine. "Nobody gives you a manual on how to be on The Bachelor," Courtney wails. Um, so why don't you just be a decent, civil human being? You know, how you ought to be in life? What were your top moments?
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