Our top moments of the week:
13. Best Brushes with Death: Despite Mike's misgivings, Johnny goes undercover to befriend Carlos, a high-rolling criminal on Graceland. Just when it seems Johnny has won him over, Carlos challenges him to a "friendly" gun duel and of course cheats by drawing early. He's about to squeeze the trigger, when his concerned sister interrupts. Whew! Moments later, Johnny escapes death a second time when Carlos fires on his right-hand man Esteban and the bullet flies right past Johnny's face before hitting its intended target. Apparently cats aren't the only ones with nine lives.
12. Best Mea Culpa: After issuing a statement to apologize for his offensive remarks in Playboy, Gary Oldman makes asecond mea culpa on Jimmy Kimmel Live. "I don't condone or excuse the words that I used in any context. I just basically shouldn't have used them, but I did and I have injured and wounded a great many people," he says. "I am a public figure, I should be an example and inspiration, and I am an a--hole. I am 56. I should know better." Don't worry, Gary, not all public figures have to be an example or an inspiration (see: Miley Cyrus).
11. Worst Honesty: Nothing says romance in Venice, Italy, like a lie detector test! On The Bachelorette, the guys on the group date are each given a set of questions so that Andi can make sure that everyone is "here for the right reasons." But forget intentions — the test reveals some shocking information about one suitor, Dylan, who admits to both sleeping with more than 20 women and not washing his hands after he goes to the bathroom. At least he didn't lie?
10. Best Comeback: On So You Think You Can Dance, a familiar face shows up during callbacks week. Emilio had reached the Top 20 last season, but had to drop out before appearing on the live shows after sustaining a major injury that required surgery. The popper from Houston, Texas, doesn't get a free pass though, and once again endures the rigors of learning complicated choreography round after round. In the end, Emilio "Millie" Dosal becomes the only dancer in the show's history to make the Top 20 twice.
9. Worst (Health) Scare: Annie finally returns to the DPD on Covert Affairs, but things are most definitely not back to normal. First, she won't tell anyone what she was doing for the past four months in the South Pacific, but we're assuming it wasn't all fun and relaxation on the beach. Later, while chasing terrorist Borz Altan, Annie suddenly suffers a panic attack (heart issue?) and collapses to the ground before calling her doctor. What's wrong with her? Somebody tell us!
8. Worst Twist: Big Brother is back with the "most twisted" season ever, but not all twists are good ideas. This year, the producers decide to only bring half the contestants into the house on the first day. They pick their beds and compete for Head of Household as usual, only to learn that another eight players will soon join them — and will have a HOH of their own as well! This twist makes the second batch of players seem like second-class citizens. Even worse, it's created a too-large (and poorly named) Crazy 8s alliance before all of the players have met each other. We get that the game has to be shaken up, but first the producers should put everyone on an even playing field.
7. Best Tribute: Rizzoli & Isles honors the late Lee Thompson Young with a poignant tribute to his character Det. Barry Frost, who died in a car accident. Delivering the eulogy, Jane fondly speaks of Frost's — and by extension, Young's — dedication, personality and how much she'll miss him. "I really loved how he made me laugh, and I will miss that infectious smile and the joy that he brought to every day," she says. "So, in this moment when it feels like there is none, here is the good news: Death may have taken Barry, but it can't take our memories of him, those wonderful and perfect and beautiful memories. Those, thank God, are ours to keep."
6. Best and Worst of Times: Some ties feel worse than others. Seconds from securing a Round of 16 berth at the World Cup, the U.S. gives up the final possession to Portugal, allowing Silvestre Valera to win the game with a gut-wrenching header off a cross by Cristiano Ronaldo. You know what they say: It's never over 'til the fat lady sings. Fortunately, Team USA is still able to advance after its 1-0 defeat to Germany in its final group game. Some losses feel better than others, too.
5. Best Copycat: It's hard to top a clone dance party, but that's exactly what Orphan Black's finale does when it reveals that there are male clones running around — and that we'd already met one of them! The creepy Prolethean Mark is a clone out of Project Castor, the military-lead sibling of Leda for whom Paul has been working undercover. But is there really room in our hearts (and Clone Club) for another Tatiana Maslany?
4. Best Straight-Shooting: On Last Week Tonight, John Oliver takes Dr. Oz to task for using his influence to make unsubstantiated claims about dietary supplements. "If you want to keep spouting this bullsh-- ... don't call your show Dr. Oz. Call it Check This Sh-- Out with Some Guy Named Mehmet," Oliver suggests. By the end of the 16-minute rant, he demonstrates how to successfully pander without spreading misinformation by trotting out Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin via Skype, a cuddly puppy, Real Housewives-esque cat-fighting and, for the big finish, Steve Buscemi tap-dancing as the Black and Gold Marching Elite joins him on stage. Your move, Dr. Oz.
3. Best (Ridiculous) Death: After 24: Live Another Day undoes President Heller's death-by-missile (Chloe hacked Margot's drone, etc.), the show more than makes up for it with another over-the-top death. Once Jack finally learns Margot's location, he storms the castle, killing Margot's son and handcuffing Margot in time to misdirect her final missiles. But when Margot begins blaming Jack for the deaths that have occurred so far this season, Jack thinks twice about taking Margot into custody. "The only death on my head tonight is yours," he says, as he hilariously tosses her out the window to a bone-crunching death. Something tells us this one will stick.
2. Best World-Beating: Poor soccer. It really is the perfect thing to poop on in the U.S., isn't it? Triumph the Insult Comic Dog makes a triumphant return toConan as hebar-hops in Queens to watch the World Cup. And by "watch," we mean zing everyone from Colombia and Greece to Uruguay and of course soccer itself. "The rest of the world calls it futbol," he says. "In America, we call it 'a f---ing waste of time.' ... You have to love soccer: the excitement of minimal contact, the thrill of low scoring. If you like watching porn in reverse, this sport is for you."
1. Worst Off-Screen Casualty: True Blood's final season premiere unsettles viewers by opening in the middle of a bloody massacre in Bon Temps. But just as we're getting a handle on what's going on, we see Tara's remains splattered all over her horrified mother. The tragedy is twofold: The pair had just reconciled moments before, and we feel cheated of a proper goodbye to one of the original characters on the show. So long, sucker!
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