Chapter 1: Are Even the Good Ones Bad?
Globally, and especially in Western cultures, we are in the midst of the greatest societal transformation in the history of humanity: the transformation from male to female dominance.
“All the good men are either married or gay. Otherwise they’re fucked up.” If you know any single women seeking a monogamous relationship with a man, you’ve certainly heard that sentiment. Many will even add, “And most of the married ones are fucked up, too!”
The shrinking number of heterosexual men who are emotionally functional and able to sustain a relationship built on truth is radically affecting the balance of power between men and women. Lack of supply is not creating high demand; instead, as feminism becomes an ingrained reality, women progressively take more and more control of their sexual lives, their careers, and their futures, unfettered by their needs and desires for male partners. Straight single men may find it easier to get dates and even have sex, but there are few women who are willing to accept most of them as prospects for long-term relationships (or even short-term ones). More and more, as personified in TV programs and advertising, women view men as a helpless and hopeless sex. In fact, a 2015 study from the international market research company YouGov described in the Independent Journal Review claims that women are more likely to end long-term relationships—as much as 84 percent of them were ended by the female partner!
Instead of trying to change men, as they once believed they could, women are progressively—and increasingly aggressively—taking control away from them. Women today are no longer willing to passively accept male dominance, deceit, aggression, and control. They will no longer stand by men who disrespect their love through infidelity or stay with men who are neglectful and detached and who fail to connect emotionally and share intimacy. A “good” man today is not defined by his conquests, power, or sexual dominion. These are the tenets of a dying race of dominant males, the parables of ancient rituals, and the requirements of an age that exists only in our own minds.
Yet men and society remain ruled by these outdated beliefs, which remain deeply embedded pillars that stand firm against the rising tide of female power and leadership. They are men’s weapons as men battle to retain their traditional roles and the right to do as they please without accountability, regret, or self-destruction. For too many decades, these pillars have remained solid, enabling men to hold forth against the tidal wave of women’s advances and progress.
How many men out there believe they are acting in all the right ways, accepting total equality for women, and rejecting misogyny and sexual misbehavior while still engaging in stupid, chest-puffing male behavior without accountability? Oblivious to the dangerous and devastating implications of their actions, they believe that they won’t be “outed” or that they will be able to lie or buy their way out of anything if caught. The Ashley Madison disclosures were just part of a growing wave of evidence that infidelity can no longer be protected behind a wall of secrecy. Comedian Bill Cosby has consistently refuted sexual abuse accusations since 2000 and continues to gainsay any criminal acts even after fifty women have come forward against him. Misguided and outdated attitudes are at the foundation of the belief system of male power and dominance rooted in almost all hierarchies, including family, work, church, sports, politics, education, and the arts.
As each chapter in this book will explain in well-researched detail, a power shift from male domination to female–male equality, and in many instances growing female dominance, is at the foundation of an upheaval that is now radically transforming society. The walls are tumbling and the floors collapsing under men’s regime. Male masters of the universe can no longer use their physical strength, governmental authority, or financial control to dictate and rule over the position and privileges of women in the family, the workplace, society, politics, or culture.
Life and gender are intertwined and inseparable. Our gender education begins with our ancestral realities; it continues with our very first experiences with our parents, our siblings, and the men and women who raise and teach us. Our gender identity is at the very core of our being. It is also intimately linked to our sexual identity. Sexual experiences and associations form fantasy worlds as we discover and experience what it feels like to be aroused. Do we connect or disconnect? Do we marry? Are we gay, straight, transgender, or one of the many other ways a person can experience gender identity? Are we enthusiastic about sex? Do we conquer destructive patterns in our relationships, or do they remain ingrained in our actions throughout life? Do we ever find true and sustainable love? Do we establish mutual trust in relationships and honor that trust forever? Do we achieve a sense of dignity, or do we act in ways that make others indignant toward us? Are we totally honest in our relationships, or do we follow the mantra of “deny, deny, deny”? (See Chapter 5: Deny, Deny, Deny: Men’s Destructive Instinct to Lie.) Do we ever achieve true self-esteem, and if we do, have we earned the right to it?
Men and women need to be aware of and sensitive to the challenges these questions imply as traditional gender norms are uprooted and transformed. Men’s and women’s mutual commitment must be to understanding and interpreting new gender truths and to remaining open to change along the journey. They must begin to practice and teach a new mantra of absolute honesty, mutual respect, and trust.
A woman’s power is in her intuition, experience, common sense, and her inherent desire to collaborate rather than fight. When women say, “I understand,” they mostly do (unlike men, who are often clueless but won’t admit it). Women are powerful—sexually, intuitively, and intellectually. Women view men through that prism, while men all too frequently view women sexually, seeing them as a collection of body parts. Women rarely, if ever, allow sex to take priority in their decision making without active consideration of the implications (even if that deliberation takes just seconds). The male sex drive is rarely informed in such a way; its role is to jump into action and perform. The libido takes up arms against rational thinking and fights off all obstacles to achieve its mission. When an inappropriate flirtation or fixation backfires, rather than backing off as he should, the man may continue to march forward, undeterred until the mission is carried through to fruition or declared abortive.
No matter where the male sex drive may center its attention or how aggressively men may assert their physical power and dominance, men are being progressively outmaneuvered, outsmarted, and out-resourced by women. This is the genetic and historical reality that men must understand, accept, and embrace if they are to have a positive and productive future in a world in which women are at least an equally dominant force.
The last generation of “traditional” males is now in their late twenties. The first wave of Internet natives is just entering their adult years, heralding a new age of gender relationships that have different role models, a history born with the Internet, and new guidelines for behavior. This generation is dismissing customary gender definitions as irrelevant; conventional male/female roles are shifting. The first generation of “future men” is a more evolved species (though still in its formative stages). The future man recognizes, respects, and relates to the growing dominance of women in many areas of society, culture, relationships, family, and business. Yet these young men are also confused by the conflicting realities that put them in the crosshairs between traditional definitions of masculinity and emerging behavioral expectations. It will take decades, but we are in the midst of an irreversible transformation: women are gaining power and influence as traditional roles and expectations disappear and new gender norms evolve. This is the story of The Future of Men: Men on Trial.
Chapter 2: The Future of Men: Just the Facts
Chapter 3: Men: Confused, Challenged, Conflicted
Chapter 4: The Age of the Dominant Male Has Passed
Chapter 5: Deny, Deny, Deny: Men’s Destructive Instinct to Lie
Chapter 6: Men and Personal Intimacy Disorder
Chapter 7: Sex Sells: And So Do Moronic Men
Chapter 8: Eyes Wide Open: A New Sexual Revolution
Chapter 9: Women Take Control in the Bedroom
Chapter 10: Sisters Going Their Own Way
Chapter 11: Heterosexual Women and Gay Men: The New Relationship
Chapters 12-16: TV and Media: Reflecting Change, Leading Change
Chapters 17-18: Gender Convergence and Women’s Struggles
Chapters 19-22: Men, Women and Power: The New Reality
Chapters 23-31: Stories from a Woman’s Heart
Chapters 32-33: The Future of Men
Order your copies, and gifts for the men and women in your life at Amazon or your favorite bookseller. The Future of Men was originally published in March 2016. Chapter One title credit to Joe Hogan.
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