Stories from a Woman’s Heart: Nicky’s Story

Excerpted from The Future of Men Masculinity in the TwentyFirst Century by Jack MyersFor more information link hereWe were standing in line for the antique car ride at Storybook World when it happenedLet me set the scene for you my son and daughter had just declared a truce in their squabble over who was going to get to amp8220driveamp8221 and had joined forces in trying to guess whether weamp8217d get a red blue or yellow car based on the order of the cars on the track and our place in line It was one of the final days of August followingamp160 a brutal length of time during which our family had endured a number of financial setbacks related to my husbandamp8217s job the government sequester and my own poor planning On the upside weamp8217d recently received some promising news my feuding offspring were in rare alignment and the school year was about to begin bringing with it relief from the relentlessness of parenting during ten weeks of school vacation In other words my spirits were higher than theyamp8217d been in monthsThe kids and I had received passes to a nearby amusement park for Christmas the previous December In former years we hadnamp8217t thought twice about buying the passes for ourselves weamp8217d taken both access and proximity to Storybook World for granted This year though weamp8217d needed help and I was thankful to be there Iamp8217d even saved up some money to treat the kids to pizza and ice cream inside the park as opposed to the peanut butter and jelly sandwich picnic lunches Iamp8217d been packing throughout the rest of the seasonAs we inched forward in the very long line I heard a male voice behind us rise above the delighted shrieking background music and popcorn munchingamp160 amp8220No son of mine will ever have long hairamp8221 the voice declared amp8220If he does Iamp8217ll cut it right offamp8221My 6yearold son Nicky standing mere feet away had long hairamp160 While my inner tiger mom wanted to turn and roar at the heartless stranger sense trumped sensitivityamp160 Iamp8217d observed the man a few minutes earlier tossing his infant high into the air and catching him while the babyamp8217s mother smoked a cigarette under a amp8220No Smokingamp8221 sign The baby about three months old was clad in a onesie that read amp8220All My Mommy Wanted Was a Backrubamp8221amp160 Keeping in mind my motheramp8217s oftimparted amp8220consider the sourceamp8221 rule this was clearly not someone with whom I could expect to reason let alone silence with a glare I kept my gaze forward and feigned deafnessInstead I turned my attention to my son studying him for a reaction to the manamp8217s outburst Nicky was staring straight ahead at the winding track punctuated with brightly colored vehicles and animatronic livestock He didnamp8217t say anythingamp160 I didnamp8217t even know if heamp8217d heard The line moved faster We got the yellow car Nicky drove It was a breathtaking endofsummer dayamp160While eating his oatmeal the next morning Nicky was uncharacteristically quiet before setting down his spoon and announcing amp8220I want to get my hair cutamp8221amp160 This is the same child who steeled his jaw clenched his fists and refused to cry following a bike crash that resulted in eight stitches This is also the same child who within days of that accident was inconsolable for hours after a snail heamp8217d found clinging to the underside of a leaf was unceremoniously crushed by an older cousinamp160 A dynamic blend of virile and vulnerable my son is committed to asserting his independenceamp8212and yet is deceptively fragile The careless seed planted by the jerk behind usamp8212because thatamp8217s exactly what he wasamp8212had taken root and grown into an invasive weed My heart broke at Nickyamp8217s wordsThe combined product of being the younger sibling of an older sister and my own efforts not to assign gender stereotypes to either child Nicky had until that moment gone through life happily wearing pink handmedowns and cooking sunny side up eggs in the play kitchen Thatamp8217s not to say we hadnamp8217t seen plenty of indications of natureamp8217s handiwork his relentless love of all things with engines since the age of 18 months and a recently acquired ability to turn everythingamp8212from a cucumber to a toy guitaramp8212into a pretend weaponamp160 Long hair fuchsia snow boots and all my son has been frequently declared amp8220all boyamp8221 by loved ones and strangers alikeWhile Iamp8217ve also made a large effort not to validate my children based on appearance Iamp8217d slipped up in one regard my sonamp8217s magnificent mane Since he was a baby Nickyamp8217s wavy blonde locks were admired nearly every day by a certain kind of mom In retrospect I suppose his hair may also have been scorned daily by a different kind of mom but those types of comments werenamp8217t typically made within my earshot Nickamp8217s surferchic tousled hair naturally achieved what had been carefully cultivated by countless 80sera prep school boys and modernday Disney Channel heartthrobsamp160 Women similarly would pay hundreds of dollars at the beauty salon to replicate his natural flaxen colorBut there we were my previously unflappable longhaired son wanted his hair cut and I realized how deeply opposed I was to satisfying his requestamp160 Had my daughter asked for Anne Hathawayamp8217s pixie cut I likely would have acquiesced without a second thought Did my resistance to allowing Nicky to have short hair make me any better than the man standing behind us in line at Storybook World that dayMy hairy problem was at least in the short term resolved by a welltimed viewing of the movie Hercules in which the ubermasculine hero has long flowing locks I suppose I could have taken it a step further and shared the story of Samson and Delilah but that was further than I was ready to goamp160 Iamp8217ve been spared the haircut for now but the underlying issue remainsamp160 had my son persisted in demanding that haircutamp8212and he may still Nicky is nothing if not persistentamp8212what lesson would I be teaching him in refusing to honor his requestamp160 While Nickyamp8217s long hair indeed serves as a personal reminder of days gone by I have admitted that it is also a matter of principle for me as it has been for generations before meamp160 Does long or short hair then become passed on as a matter of principle to my son and for that matter the airborne baby in the offensive tshirt Something else to think aboutamp160 I donamp8217t want my daughter to be defined by her hairstyle so why would I wish that on my sonSince that day at Storybook World Iamp8217ve become increasingly aware of the fact that while we frequently discuss ways to improve our daughtersamp8217 paths to adulthood by stressing the importance of promoting positive body image encouraging them to opt in to studies in math sciences and technology and teaching them to advocate for themselves and for each other we sometimes trust too much that the path for our sons will be simpler In assuming that they can and will fend for themselves itamp8217s easy to lose sight of the fact that they shouldnamp8217t have toamp160Girls are encouraged daily to reach beyond traditional societal constraints and applauded for doing so I canamp8217t help but wonder we are working so hard to teach our daughters that they can be anything they want to be but what are we as a society working hard to tell our sons

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Stories from a Woman’s Heart: Nicky’s Story

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Jack Myers

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